I have to admit, I might be putting off blogging this month.. why? Well, because February just stinks! For me this month is hard. A lot of things have happened and February is a consent reminder for certain events. I feel like February is just an unlucky month for James and I. And this year is no different. Lately I have been dealing with a lot of personal feelings and a consent heartbreak. And I often feel so selfish for feeling the way I do. I also feel alone quite a bit, when in reality I'm not alone. You can say that I am depressed.. which I'm starting to believe might be the case. I can't really explain my feelings, and I don't necessarily like to. I feel as if nobody understands me or how I am truly feeling. I have happy times and even happy days and weeks! Which is great, but there is always something stuck in my heart and my mind that I can't and won't let go of. I've briefly talked about my heartache with this but it is so personal that I don't feel like the whole world needs to know. But maybe that's why I have this trial? So I can help others? Or maybe it's time to reach out so others can help me? If you have no idea what I am even talking about.. I guess it's time I talk/write about the "elephant in the room." All I ask in return is to please be respectful to myself, James and our feelings. I am not doing this for pity I promise. I am doing this to help me with my healing process and for my understanding.Thank you for understanding.
James and I have been trying to get pregnant now for two years. I know, I know this isn't much compared to some people. But please understand.. it doesn't make it any easier. Also every persons situation in different! For us this is our trial that we are going through. And I must admit when everyone announces their pregnant and they are having babies a little piece of my heart breaks. This doesn't mean that I am not extremely happy for those people at all. Because I am. I truly am. But it makes me sad and jealous, yes jealous and a little envious of them because I want to be them. I want to have that moment to be able to share our happy news of adding to our family. And it just hasn't came yet. I also feel very, very rude and selfish for my feelings. And honestly I am starting now to understand that it is okay for me to feel the way I do. What we are going through isn't easy at all. And by having this on my mind constantly you have to understand that I am an emotional wreck and can break down at any moment. Trust me.. it's happened and it is so awkward! I mean last week in church I couldn't stay in Relief Society because of what the lesson was on. I tried, I really did but I couldn't hold back the tears and left bawling my eyes out. I mean those ugly tears where your face is all red and ugly and you're crying so loud. Talk about embarrassing. I really don't know how to explain my feelings. Which is difficult and helps add to the process of feeling alone. The truth is, for awhile I just didn't know how I was feeling and I was so embarrassed by my feelings that I kept them in. I didn't talk to anyone about them including my husband. I have recently started opening up and I think that is why I am writing this blog post today. It is all for me, to help me cope with this. I have been praying all the time for comfort and peace to be in my heart. I have even had to at times pray for my Heavenly Father to lift me up and help carry some of this burden for me. I am so grateful that my Heavenly Father is there for me to help me and guide me through this really tough trial.
You might be asking me why I decided now is the time to open up. Well, to tell you the truth.. I'm not really sure, it just feels right in my heart. I feel ready to talk about it and be open about it. I want other that are going through this too, to know that I know that their situation may be different than mine but there is someone else there who can somewhat understand your feelings. Trials are not fun to go through alone. I know I have my family and I have my husband. I have been using them. But sometimes you need support outside of family. Another reason why I think I am starting today is because I need to start letting go and to relax. James and I have recently started discussing adoption. We don't know if this is the direction we should go yet but at the same time we both feel really good about it. The truth is, I don't care if I carry the baby inside me. If I get to that would be an added bonus. All I want is to be a mommy and to have our family grow. I don't want to be a mommy to furry animals anymore. They are nice and I love them and I will always treat them like they are little humans.. but truth is they aren't, I know. That is why my heart is aching so much.
If you want to know what has been going on in these past two years then continue reading and I will go into some details, if you don't care and are finished thank you for your time and now is a good place to stop. OR if you're curious then go ahead and read on.
I was diagnosed with PCOS which is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.you can go here to find out more about what that is. It is a common thing for women to get. If you're having irregular periods or non at all or facial hair or are becoming super hairy you might want to get checked for it. Basically I knew from the beginning that this was going to play a big part in us trying to get pregnant. So after we moved up to Idaho I found a new OBGYN and visited with him and he started me on some medicine to help me regulate my periods but to also help me ovulate. Because no period = no ovulation. Which is a crucial part in becoming pregnant. So I started the medicine and I did a round and was so excited and positive it was going to work even though the doctor told me in most cases it takes more than one time.. well it didn't work out so I go super frustrated and didn't call the doctor back or get another prescription. I was heartbroken. But eventually I went for my yearly check-up and vented and cried about all my feelings and my doctor talked with James and I and convinced me to give it another try. So I started the medicine again this time for five months because that's all he wanted me to do since by this point we had already been trying for over a year with nothing happening so if it didn't work then he wanted to get James checked out. Well apparently the Lord had a different plan.. and knew that I would be even more disappointed if we tried and tried for five months and nothing happened. So some weird things started happening with James. (He might kill me for this but I think it's important to know so I can help explain things..) one of his breasts started to become enlarged. So we made an appointment with our family doctor to see what was going on. Well he ran some blood tests and we found out his testosterone levels were super low. WHOOPS!! Well, that sure wasn't going to help us to get pregnant. So the doctor referred us to another doctor who specializes in this type of thing. Because they were worried something might be wrong with his pituitary due to how low his testosterone levels had become. So we went to this doctor and got some information and he wanted James to get an MRI to see if there was anything going on with his pituitary which we figured he was going to be getting. Well, the doctor was a HUGE pain and never scheduled the MRI and wouldn't really keep in touch or return our calls. Even with the new blood work he had James do.. it took forever to just get those results out of him. So James went back to our family doctor for an ear infection and to talk with him about the doctor he had referred us to. So our family doctor then said it was important to get the MRI (mind you it had been about 2-3 months after our visit with the other doctor) so he went ahead and scheduled it. So James got the MRI done. (Actually only about two weeks ago..) and the results came back. We never heard anything from the original doctor who wanted James to get it done (and yes James had the results sent there and our primary doctor) so he called over to our primary doctor to see if they had the results and they did. So when he went in for his follow up appointment the doctor went over what they found. Which was a little tumor or cyst on his pituitary. He told us that is was small enough that they most likely would just leave it alone. Well a few days later the other doctor called to let us know that they found a tumor on James pituitary. And that was that and we had to wait two weeks to see what this doctor thought of it. Waiting is never fun especially when you have that kind of little information. So on Monday we ventured back to this doctor. And it was a joke! He never brought up the MRI and he asked if we were trying to get pregnant which was the MAIN reason we were sent to him. There was also some other problems that were going on and he just pushed them to the side and didn't ask anymore questions and was in a rush to get us out of there. So here we are today.. stuck not knowing what our next step is and we are waiting more to know if we even have a chance at getting pregnant. Because I decided it is best to figure out what is going on with James first then we can focus on me after. *SIDE STORY!* (The medicine I was on stopped working and wasn't helping me ovulate.) Thankfully James parents have agreed to help us find another doctor who will be down in Utah and will hopefully know how to further help James and explain things to us.
So there we are... up to date on what has been really happening in our life for the last two years. It has sure been a roller coaster of emotions and heartbreaks. But don't get me wrong there has been a lot of good and happy times too. It's not all sad and depressing around here. But thank you for listing to my story and my trial. If you have any word of advice, questions or comments please feel free to comment below or if you have my number call or text me or even if you wanted you can Facebook message me. I just want to say thank you to everyone who has known what we have been going through for your love and consent support. We couldn't go through any of this without all of you. We love each and every one of you and really appreciate you being there for us and for trying your best to understand how we are feeling and what we are going through. And I also want to say thank you to all of you who are reading this and are being respectful with our feelings and our story. We really appreciate all of you too. So here is to our new chapter in our life and being more positive and about our situation! I hope you are ready for a ride. As there will be updated posts on what is going on with everything and also of course what we decide about adoption. ALSO, if any of you have adopted before and have any tips or advice for us PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE share with us! We are at a total loss on where to even begin with this whole adoption idea since it is such a new thing for us. So all advice is welcomed. Thank you all again for your consonant love and support. And I promise, the next blog post will be on a much happier note.. I still have a lot of catching up to do on what we have been up to recently.